How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
