omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
