No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
