Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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