so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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