I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
