Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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