She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
