There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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