Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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