my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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