Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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