Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Hippo gnu deer
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
