operation have a gay friend backfired
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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