I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
