he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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