she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
