someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I have tasted many bathrooms
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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