First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
