his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
