I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
