I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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