Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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