He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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