I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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