I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You don't make any sense
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