I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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