I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
is it fun? or sober?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
