i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize