youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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