If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
