i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
