We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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