Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
