Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
