You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
