Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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