..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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