the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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