Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
