Don't make out with my wife yet
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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