the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
