Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
