im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
