Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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