Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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