she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
It was confusing and full of hummus
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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