even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
