we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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