My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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