Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
