Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize