so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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