Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
