OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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