I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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