i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
