it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
